Can you get too sexy just from pole dancing?

‘Too much sexiness’ is considered by researchers to be a relatively new concept, one that has been difficult to accurately measure. It wasn’t until Patrick Swayzee got Baby out of the corner that researchers were even willing to accept its existence as a possibility and various scales and measurements of sexiness have now been robustly developed. However, since 1987, research has come along way and it has been found that several types of dancing are thought to be able to increase one’s sexiness level to the level of ‘Too much sexiness’. Dance forms such as flamenco, tango and Zumba have all been studied in recent decades, with varying degrees of success but it wasn’t until the explosion of pole dancing into the mainstream fitness industry occurred that anybody had thought to investigate the effect of pole dancing on people’s sexiness level. Until then, it had been assumed that the sexiness effect wouldn’t transfer over to the general population and would forever remain in the exclusive and firm-gripped hands of exotic dancers, strippers and nude entertainers.

What the researchers found was both surprising and incredible. They found that when any non-specific human being took up pole dancing as a regular activity, the average level of sexiness goes from average 5.5 – 6 out of 10 on the Andersen scale of sexiness (for more info on the scale, see: Andersen, O, 2017) to at least an 8 or a 9, without the individual even being aware of the change. However, an informed eye will be able to spot them easily. These people are the ones who slowly but surely start to wear their pole shorts outside of the studio, as beach shorts and then gym shorts and then just supermarket or mall shorts, you know the ones – they are perfectly happy to have their gluteal creases exposed as they stroll around the aisles of Pak n save collecting almond milk and quinoa. Much like a reversal of the togs, togs togs, UNDIES phenomenon, pole dancers experience a sort of hallucinatory effect whereby they begin to think that their pole bottoms are significantly larger than they actually are. In some extreme cases, the pole dancer may even come to believe that the majority of the general public will be delighted to see their bum cheeks (which, is actually often accurate although the pole dancer’s friends and family may try to convince the pole dancer otherwise). This particular thought process is indicative of the individual having reached and even gone past the end of the Andersen Scale of Sexiness; these such people have now leveled up to the dangerously intoxicating level of ‘Too much sexiness’.

Researchers claim that there are several ways in which pole dancing is the most effective method of dancing to increase your sexiness level. Firstly, pole dancing has a marked effect on the individual’s self-confidence and self-belief which is known to counteract many years of negative conditioning brought about by a society and media which seek to control and restrain the expression of female sexuality. The increase in self-confidence and self-belief works to enable all people to begin to reclaim their own sexuality and to express it in ways that they see fit, regardless of other interferences. Sometimes this involves pole dancing in heels to Beyonce. Other times it means getting hot and sweaty whilst learning how to hang upside down on a steel pole with only one leg. Almost certainly, it involves feeling proud and capable of one’s own body.

This leads me to the second point. Pole dancing creates an environment by which participants learn to appreciate their body for what it can do – not for what it looks like. The focus is not on your weight, your body fat percentage or the size of your butt (unless we are talking the butt grip method for The Titanic or comparing ass quakes...refer right.). As the pole dancer begins to focus more and more on what her or his body can achieve and is capable of, they start to feel so much more appreciative of their body which results in increased feelings of love for oneself. Generally, this more intimate and loving connection with one’s own body leads to the individual experiencing more pleasure and delight in a wider array of settings and circumstances, including the bedroom, the kitchen, the lounge, the backyard…

Thirdly, pole dancing increases people’s sexiness level to extreme levels simply by simultaneously increasing their levels of ‘I don’t care what you think attitude’. Researchers are still unsure of the link between these two levels and how they feed into each other, but it would seem that there is a reciprocal relationship between Time Spent Pole Dancing and an increase in ‘I don’t care what you think attitude’ which combine to send sexiness levels through the roof. Basically, it would appear that caring too much about what other people think is a general sexiness “dampener” and that the extinguishing of this behavior correlates directly to more feelings of sexiness, particularly as the individual becomes adept at vocalizing how little they actually care about what other people think. Pole dancing seems to encourage the recurrence of these vocalizations, in that the individual may encounter various ill-informed and outdated opinions on the concept of pole dancing by people who know nothing about it and have never tried it. The outcome of this ongoing practice is a strong and stable internalization of the ‘I don’t care what you think attitude’ resulting in the ability to prioritize what the individual specifically wants for him or herself.

Despite the abundant and strikingly positive effect of pole dancing on one’s levels of sexiness, researchers do warn that some side effects may be harmful. The particular stories are anecdotal but researchers caution participants to take note. A young man who had been pole dancing for approximately 12 months reported that his colleagues enjoyed touching his new biceps so much that they would forget to put their safety equipment as required by their employer. Another woman put her neck out when doing head tosses while washing her car. A woman also reported that her selfiegame had improved to the extent that her husband no longer recognized her on Facebook because of her new-found ability to work angles effectively, an achievement which she credited entirely to countless hours in front of the mirrors at her local studio. The husband became so concerned that he requested a DNA profile to make sure that the woman was still indeed his wife.

The most reported harmful effect however was lack of storage space and this was one phenomenon that was wholly measurable and statistically significant. Pole dancers’ spouses were able to produce a bounty of photographic evidence depicting clear-heeled stilettos, highlighter crop tops and scrunched-bottomed bikini shorts overflowing from wardrobes, drawers, tote bags and the back seats of cars. What was most shocking was the sheer amount of goods required to fill such spaces, given that the size of each item was often no larger than a paper towel.